


Just So That My Soul Won't Fall

by Nikki (amiayaprotagonistyet)



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: ask me to tag any other triggers, i just don't want to spoil too much, just stay safe while reading this because i don't want to upset anyone, mentions of self harm, please be advised about the following warnings because i know this can be extremely triggering, vague suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-22
Updated: 2016-07-22
Packaged: 2018-07-25 23:33:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7551442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amiayaprotagonistyet/pseuds/Nikki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A timeline.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the cover of Regional at Best.  
> I'm sorry if I ruin the album for you. <3

They’d been friends since the middle of second grade. Ever since Ms. Shelley had paired them up for the science fair, they’d been inseparable. They spent more time laughing and talking than actually working on the project, but their solar system replica was the hit of the show, so they proudly accepted their first place ribbons, and instead of fighting who would take home the replica, they decided to share it. Plus, it’d give them an excuse to hang out more. It remained this way for a few months until they decided to just make another, better version.

 

And gosh, it was fun. There was paint in Josh’s hair, Tyler’s hands were basically glued together, and they were rolling around on the floor, laughing so hard, they almost broke their replica because they were shaking so hard with happiness. They quickly abandoned the project on the kitchen table and got themselves cleaned up.

 

Now they were upstairs laying down on Tyler’s floor, just talking about space. Josh wanted to be an astronaut when he grew up, the first man on Mars, plus everything was different in space, it was easier to float and there was no rush to do anything. He also thought the stars would be a lot cooler up close. Tyler said he wanted to be a doctor, he wanted to help people feel better, because he didn’t like when people were hurt or sick, but he didn’t like hospitals very much.

 

And for second graders, they talked about their future with all the conviction adults were lacking.

 

Those two, they did everything together. Of course, they had other friends, but there was something different- _special_ \- about their connection. Sleepovers twice a month, they went to the library after school three days a week to do their homework, even the teachers knew to pair them up together, or else it wouldn’t be a pretty class. They protected each other during dodgeball in gym, sat together at lunch, and always switched snacks, pudding cups for fruit snacks and bags of chips. Even finishing each other’s sentences at times, or perfectly content to sit in silence with one another.

 

They rolled through elementary school like nothing could stop them. Third and fourth grade passed without incident, relatively so. The class pet frog that “accidentally” got out, Josh standing up for Tyler when he was nervous giving his presentation about his family tree, pushing each other on the swings at the park, holding each other up on the monkey bars, playing ice  cream on the slide at recess, the times Josh would talk him through his nightmares, or Tyler would listen to Josh’s wishes. All the silly times they “made music” in the garage, banging on old trash cans and pretend singing into the rake instead of actually doing any chores until their parents yelled at them to get back to work.

 

The spring of that year rolled around, Little League tryouts came through, and Tyler’s father encouraged him to try out, but he wouldn’t do it without Josh.

 

Whether by sheer luck that they both made the team, or the coach was smart enough to bring both of them on together, they made the cut. Practice was every Thursday and Friday after school; perfect for them to go over for sleepovers right afterwards.

 

By the end of the spring, the team had made it into the championships; the best in their region. Tyler and Josh had climbed the ranks, and became dedicated to it. They were both a bit less shy and even hung out with the team on occasion. Needless to say, they had won the championship so the team was headed over to the local pizzeria to celebrate, it was just a block over. They decided to carpool with some friends, and Josh and Tyler had taken the backseat so they could sit next to each other, not to have their conversation interrupted.

 

The car was giddy and loud and full of laughter and reenactments of the final inning so no one noticed the truck.

 

Not until it barreled through the stop sign.

It hit the van at a t-bone, directly at the backseat.

 

Everything after that was a blur of hospital floors, fluorescent lights, antiseptic smells, parents pacing up and down in the emergency room, tears everywhere, blood stained clothes, angry swears and shouts. The beeping of heart monitors and IV drips, wheels of beds being rushed down hallways. Questions were flying down the hall as they turned into shouts, until the curtains were drawn and the doctor stepped out, “Sir, I assure you, we’re doing all we can. But right now we need to get your son into the OR immediately. We will keep you updated with as much as we know when we have it.”

 

More hours, the ticking of the clocks drove the adults into each other's’ arms, filling the entire waiting room of the ICU with a party unprepared to grieve.

 

No one said anything but they all knew. Josh and Tyler had taken the most impact when the truck came at the van at 70 m.p.h., sending the car screeching to a halt half a block away, denting the doors in, and no seat belt would have prevented those injuries.

 

* * *

It was the dragging of curtain rings across the divider that caused all the heads to snap up, only to see a clipboard in hand as the senior clinician pulled off their face mask to speak.

 

“I’m sorry, your son… The injuries he sustained were too much for him to recover; we lost him during operation. We did our best to revive him, but his heart gave out and he died on the operating table…. I’m sorry for your loss.”

 

The last five words were drowned out by a mother’s sobs that could be heard in the heavens. Her husband clutched her to his side, not even attempting to mask his own tears. And they stood there for hours, maybe, unable to move.

 

Somehow they made it home, between the tears and screams, they arrived home. No one was able to sleep, the house was too quiet without their son. A different type of a silence; one that acknowledged a funeral had to be planned.

 

* * *

Approximately a month and a half had passed before he woke up. His parents refused to take him off of life support; he had to wake up. They couldn’t lose him, they just couldn’t. He would wake up, he’d always been a fighter.

 

And finally, he did. They were at his bedside in an instant, even as the nurses and doctors were telling them to give him space to adjust. His mother was crying, she could finally breathe again. Clutching at the railing of his bed where she sat in the chair next to his heart monitor, she was now on her feet and the tears were soaking the sheets.

No more nightmares, he was here, he was alive, her prayers were heard. Her baby boy was still there.

 

The doctors had previously run through a list of anything that may have happened as result of the accident, for when he woke up, and discussed it with his parents for treatment options. Amnesia, especially. Loss of mobility, muscle fatigue, PTSD, anything that could have happened and made sure they were prepared for the worst.

 

What they weren’t prepared for was the first question out of his mouth:

 

“Where’s Josh?”

 

* * *

 

He was choking on his own sobs and the tears he didn’t bother to hide. It couldn’t be real, this had to be a nightmare. He’d wake up and Josh would be there and they’d be okay. He screamed and cried and shouted and thrashed until the doctors had no choice but to sedate him so that he wouldn’t tear his stitches or injure himself further. He fell back asleep, his small frame barely indenting the hospital mattress as he softly slumped back into his pillow.

 

He only woke up when he heard the adults talking in the hallway. He didn’t turn over, just laid there staring out the window as it rained. It felt like it’d been raining since he woke up.

 

 _“_ What do you mean, force of impact?”  
“Based on the emergency reports from the paramedics and police, his body shouldn’t have been positioned like that. He sat to the right of your son, but somehow, he was on top of him when the paramedics pulled him out.”

“Are you telling me Josh- Josh, he _shielded_ Tyler?”

“Yes, I suppose you could put it that way. Had Josh not moved in front of Tyler, chances are Tyler would not have woken up. He would have taken the impact, but instead, his injuries were a result of hitting the car door behind him as Josh pulled him out of the way. But Josh’s body-”

“Mangled…” finished Tyler’s mother.  

 

Tyler shut his eyes so tightly, trying to pretend he didn’t hear that, blocking out the rest of their conversation, hoping that it was just another nightmare. Because if it were a nightmare, he would wake up from this, and Josh would be there to talk to him, to make him feel safe. It couldn’t possibly be a dream. There had to be another explanation.

 

* * *

 

_Tyler’s coma dreams were unbelievable. Concerts every night, filled with music and confetti and laughs and screaming and just so much music. The garage was a stage now, all those trash cans were a shiny silver drum set, the rake that Tyler clutched was now a microphone between his hands as he sung with a voice not quite yet his own. Josh was there, and even though Tyler couldn’t always see him, he felt him there. He was singing his heart out as his best friend banged the drums as hard as he could. The audience was filled with stars that they always counted. It felt so real, it felt so good, it felt right. He almost didn’t want to wake up. He wanted to live in his dreams forever. At least there, he always had Josh._

 

But he didn’t tell any of that to the therapist. He just said that he didn’t remember dreaming of anything. He still felt groggy and sore; he rarely ate or drank. He stayed in bed for so long that his parents had finally decided to call the therapist the hospital recommended. It didn’t make a difference. Tyler couldn’t stop being mad at himself for missing the funeral. He couldn’t wrap his mind around it.

Josh wasn’t there.

Josh _isn’t_ there.

Josh was gone.

He didn’t even get to say goodbye.


	2. 2

It was still raining on the Tuesday Tyler got out of bed by his own choice. He was laying in bed, staring at the window above his desk just watching the rain pour, following each drop down the window. He missed the feeling of the rain on his skin. He remembered one day after practice, it started raining and instead of going home right away, he and Josh-

 

_ They had spent an hour running around the field laughing at each other and getting soaked, even a bit muddy when they slipped in puddles and fell down. Of course, when they got home their parents lectured them for an hour about how they should’ve come home or called for a ride, but neither one of them could stop laughing. Even when they both got sick because they were out too long, it was something that they’d remember forever-  _

 

Except it was Tyler now. There wasn’t a they, was there?  _ No,  _ Tyler felt his thoughts screaming. Josh was still there, and he was telling him to go out to the rain. So he did. He sprung out of bed, and ran down the stairs directly into his backyard and just kept running until he collapsed in the middle of the ground, falling to his knees. He was screaming, or what felt like screaming. His throat was sore and he was soaking in the rain and he didn’t want to move. 

_ “IT’S NOT FAIR _ ” he roared at the clouds,  _ “WHY HIM,” _ he clawed at the grass, fists deep in the dirt. “ _ WHY NOT ME _ ” he sobbed. 

 

But the most heartbreaking was when he whispered, “I miss him” to the air around him and thunder crackled that moment. Maybe God was upset too. 

 

At this point, Tyler’s parents had noticed and ran outside to him, his father picking him up and carrying him to the bathroom and sat him in the tub but Tyler couldn’t move. He allowed himself to be carried as the tears slipped down his cheeks. His parents were facing each other, unsure of what to do for their eleven year old son. They left him towels, a new set of clothes, and kissed his forehead. His mother turned back to look at him quickly as she left, and seeing him in tears, she started to cry herself as her husband placed his hand on her back and walked out of the bathroom, half shutting the door behind them. Tyler could hear his father comforting her, so he turned the shower on to cover up the sound of her crying. He was still in his mud and grass stained clothing but none of it mattered. 

Josh was dead.

* * *

 

The next day, Tyler’s parents woke him and told him to get dressed. He did just that, barely putting thought into the motions. He felt robotic, but what else did he have to do? He had zoned out in the car, counting the clouds as they passed. The sky was too blue, the sun too bright after the storm that came yesterday. He couldn’t bare to look up anymore, it was hurting his eyes so he turned his eyes to the road, starting to recognize the street signs as they approached Josh’s house. It was only a few blocks away, and suddenly Tyler felt his chest seizing up and not being able to breathe. His mother turned to face him from the front seat, gently resting her palm on his knee, “It’s okay, sweetie. It’s okay.” But it didn’t matter, he didn’t hear her over the sound of his heart threatening to fall out of his chest from beating so hard. 

 

As they approached the door, Mr. and Mrs. Dun opened it, waiting for them after hearing them pull up the driveway. Apparently the parents had arranged this for Tyler. The others remained in the family room as Mrs. Dun walked him up to Josh’s bedroom, standing behind Tyler she whispered to no one in particular, 

“I couldn’t bring myself to clean out his room- not yet.” Sniffling, she continued, “I know he’d have wanted you to have some time alone.” She turned and went back downstairs, as Tyler was left there counting her footsteps and starting at the door he couldn’t bring himself to open. 

 

After what felt like hours, he opened the door, shivering at how cold the doorknob was beneath his sweaty palms. His heart was racing too fast, his mouth was dry, and all the tears he had been holding back calm flooding down when he was hit with the overwhelming scent of  _ Josh.  _ He couldn’t describe the mixture, but it had hints of fresh grass, chocolate chip, and bubble gum. The baseball caps lining the wall caught his eye first, except, his little league cap was missing. Glancing away quickly, Tyler’s eyes landed on the drum set Josh had received for Christmas. Taking a few steps forward, he felt himself sinking onto the mattress and staring up at the ceiling. There were so many glow in the dark stars hanging up- they had hung them up together, he remembered. That’s when he broke his arm because he fell off the ladder Josh was supposed to be holding. Josh was the first one to sign his cast, of course, and he felt so bad for it, he carried Tyler’s backpack for two whole weeks. 

 

With his breath was caught in his throat, Tyler managed to sit himself up out of the bed. Finding some NASA posters on the wall above Josh’s desk- Josh always did dream of being an astronaut… There were still rolled up posters on his desk he hadn’t hung up yet, he got them at a field trip to the science center earlier in the year, so Tyler moved to pick them up- he wanted to hang them in his own room. 

 

When he picked up the posters, there was a stack of papers on the desk, with a post-it,  _ “remember to give these to Tyler! He’d like them!”  _ scratched across in Josh’s hurried print. They were wedged between all the astronomy books Josh had saved up his allowance to buy. There was no use in reading what the papers were, because Tyler’s tears only caused the ink to run.

 

He quickly turned his head away, the tears burning against his cheeks. How was he supposed to be okay after all of this? After he lost his best friend in the entire world? He collapsed to the floor, sinking against the wall. It was just too much, he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t stop missing Josh, no matter what. Each day just got harder, and now he had all these things. All these stars and posters and notes and dreams, but he’d trade them in a heartbeat for Josh to be back.

  
He’d even trade his own heartbeat.


	3. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the most triggering, so please, stay safe. If you can't finish it, don't.
> 
> Your health & safety comes first, always.

It took Tyler a long time to get integrated back into the public school system. He begged his parents to homeschool him, and for a while, they did. But high school was fast approaching and time had only calloused Tyler further. He had pushed away so many people that tried to talk to him, tried to help him. He knew he should feel bad, and late at night, he did. But nothing was bringing Josh back. He would even get mad with Josh. Why did Josh have to be so stupid and protect him like that? Why did Josh have to care so much? Why did Josh have to die for him?

He didn’t want anyone else and most people took “no” for an answer when Tyler shut down on them. 

 

Except Jenna. 

 

For some reason, she stuck around. Even during the weeks Tyler didn’t say a word to her, she’d still smile and sit with him at lunch, giving up a spot at the cheerleaders’ table to sit with Tyler. And they sat there in silence, until one day, in a rare moment of curiosity, Tyler pushed his pudding cup across the table. Jenna raised an eyebrow and handed him her Pringles. Briefly, he smiled down at the table, and they continued to eat until the bell rang, ending lunch. 

He swore to himself that he’d never let anyone replace Josh. 

 

Some days after school, they’d hang out in the gym while Jenna practiced her cheer routine. It wasn’t that Tyler ever really planned to, but he had gym last period and Jenna always got there before he could leave so he felt bad going when she had already seen him. 

 

It was a particularly okay day; the weather was nice, Tyler had passed his algebra test, and Jenna’s routine was going well. Tyler was sitting in the bleachers, hunched over his history textbook so he didn’t notice when Jenna disappeared briefly, returning with a basketball. She threw it at him, shouting “ **_THINK FAST_ ** ” and it was in Tyler’s hands before he realized what happened. 

 

“Crap, Jenna! What was that?!” But she just smirked. 

 

“I had a feeling you’d catch it. Come down and shoot some hoops with me. You look like the kinda guy that could kick some ass on the court.” Tyler stared at her, stunned. She had to be joking. He was scrawny and ridiculously unhealthy, and no longer the athletic type. There was no way.

 

“Come on Ty, just try it out. What’s the worst that could happen? You don’t like it or you suck at it? So then you don’t have to keep playing,” she said nonchalantly, shrugging as she picked up her pom poms. Unfortunately, she made a valid point and there was no arguing it. So, Tyler put down the textbook and walked over to the court. Somehow, he made almost every shot. Jenna stood cheering him on, laughing a bit because Tyler got super into it and stuck his tongue out of his mouth when he was determined. At some point, he even began to sweat because he was so into the game.

 

Little did he know that Jenna had the basketball coach watching from the doorway, who promptly offered Tyler a position on the team. Baffled, but encouraged by Jenna, he decided it was worth a shot. 

 

* * * 

Things were changing, all these years later. Tyler and Jenna were the best of friends, even though everyone in school thought they were dating, but Jenna knew Tyler’s secret. He never had to say anything, but she just knew him so well. And stuck around anyways. 

 

It was the nights that Tyler didn’t want to stick around that were the worst. When he sat in the basement, now his room, staring at the ceiling, haunted by all these questions of  _ “and then what? _ ” or “ _ what comes next _ ?” The worst was questioning his faith in God. Why couldn’t God have done more, would God hate him for being gay, why was he still feeling this way when things were okay? He was supposed to be okay. 

 

He wasn’t supposed to be sitting on the floor, back slumped against the kitchen counter, clutching the bottle in his hand. It didn’t make sense, but all he could hear in his head was the violent emptiness that spun him around his living nightmare. His grip would tighten and loosen on the bottle, unsure of what he was doing. He couldn’t breathe, he was sobbing and choking on his own cries. 

 

Sunday nights always haunted him, especially tonight with his family away at a church retreat. He told them he couldn’t go because he couldn’t miss school, but he was just afraid of being so close to God. He shouldn’t have been in the house alone, he couldn’t trust himself but part of him wonders if he did it on purpose. It was dark outside and he was shaking and he couldn’t care less about the world around him, nothing mattered except the lights above him and the cold sinking in his chest, how each breath barely broke the surface. 

 

He must’ve cried himself to sleep on the cold tile floor, the bottle slipping out of his hand in the night. He woke to the sound of dripping from the faucet. Just a few drops until he was aware of what was around him. Jerking from the bottle as though it had burned him, he stood up and caught his breath. 

He also swore to himself that he would pretend this night never happened, as he flushed the pills down the toilet.

 

* * * 

 

When Tyler was missing practice for weeks at a time, refusing to wear his gym shorts, and only showing up in jeans and sweatpants, Jenna became concerned. It was almost too easy to Tyler to lie to her, and of course he felt guilty, but he couldn’t say anything. And she never said anything outright, but one day, Tyler opened his locker before school to find a new journal on the top shelf. 

 

He opened it and found a rubber band tucked in the crease. She had figured it out, despite all his attempts to hide it. Neither of them mentioned it, but from that day forward, the rubber band became semi-permanent to his left wrist, not even taking it off in the shower. Unfortunately, the journal got thrown onto his shelf right next to the first one- the one Josh had planned to give Tyler for sleep-away camp all those years ago. 

 

And along with everything else from that summer, it would remain untouched, buried in whichever corners and shelves Tyler had chosen to abandon them. He couldn’t bring himself to open that door and deal with what would come pouring out. 

 

* * * 

 

Jenna found out about Josh on June 18th of that year. She had called Tyler a few times to see if he wanted to catch a movie, or go out to eat or hit the beach and relax after finals week. Instead, she was only met with his voicemail. She even swung by his house, only to have his parents give her a puzzled look, “Oh... He’s always spends this day with Josh, down at the cemetery.”

 

Confused, Jenna made her way to the cemetery and found Tyler’s car parked along the path. She didn’t want to disturb him, but she didn’t know who Josh was either and her curiosity was getting the better of her. She didn’t say anything as she walked up towards him, hearing his voice a little bit as she closed to the car door. He was tossing a baseball between his hands, 

“So yeah, that’s what you’ve missed this year, but you already knew all that. You’ve been here with me through it all, haven’t you?” 

 

When Jenna accidentally snapped a branch beneath her foot, Tyler immediately looked up from the mit he wore in one hand as he saw her coming up and his face froze, caught like a deer in headlights.

 

“Ah, Tyler, I’m sorry- I didn’t mean to-, I’m sorry, I feel so bad” she held out her hands, “I just wanted to see if you were okay cause you weren’t picking up and your parents told me you were here and I was worried, I just -” But he cut her off.

 

“I miss him, Jenna. All the time.” And with that, she rushed over to hold him as his knees gave out, letting the ball fall from his hand and roll down the grass.

 

* * * 

The rest of high school was filled with bittersweet moments, sleepovers, begrudging birthday celebrations, more basketball games, breakups, vacations, shopping sprees, tons of movie nights, and eventually, graduation. It was impossible for Tyler to believe he had made it this far, after all the nights he didn’t even think he’d make it to the next morning. 

 

Jenna was touching up her makeup in the mirror in Tyler’s room as they were getting ready to get to school for the ceremony. His parents were already at the ceremony, along with hers, ready to document the big day. It hadn’t been easy for his family to watch him struggle endlessly, nor for Jenna, who he now considered family as well.

 

He was staring out the window, his thoughts getting ahead of him, racing as his breath was starting to get shaky, overwhelmed by the sudden influx of emotions and thoughts. 

 

Jenna noticed his change in demeanor in the reflection and walked over. She straightened his tie, 

 

“Would’ya believe it, Ty? Us! Seniors? I remember when you were a scrawny lil freshman, and now you’re graduating captain of the basketball team. You wouldn’t give me the time of day and now we’re in your room together,” laughing as she continued, “we’ve been through so much together. I can’t thank you enough for being my best friend. We’ll always be friends; no matter what comes next. I hope you know that I’m not going anywhere, you’re stuck with me now and I’m going to clap the loudest when you walk across that stage in a few hours. I love you, Ty.”

 

As he broke out into the biggest smile- god she always knew what to say- a few happy tears slipped out. She pulled him into a tight hug, although she was shorter and not nearly as built, she had enough strength to hold him so tightly, it probably creased her own dress and his shirt. They stood like that for a while, in the middle of his basement bedroom, hugging. One of their phones went off, probably their parents calling so they wouldn’t be late to their own ceremony. Laughing, they climbed into the car and made it to their graduation with just a minute to spare. 

 

* * * 

 

The ceremony was over as quickly as it had begun and everyone was celebrating and rushing around to take pictures, flowers and caps and gowns and laughter, but Jenna and Tyler took their time to walk out holding hands. They each spotted their families in the distance, but snuck in a quick hug before photos would take up the rest of their nights. As Jenna pulled away from the hug, she whispered in Tyler’s ear, “I’m so proud of you, Ty. And I know Josh is proud of you, too.” And with a quick peck on his cheek, she blurred into the distance as nothing more than a white gown as he stood there, suddenly surrounded by his family.

 

* * * 

 

That night, Tyler folded away his cap and gown, sealing his diploma, and putting them in a box for safe keeping, tucked in his closet. His eyes landed on the old keyboard his mother gave him for Christmas the year earlier, and for some reason, he suddenly felt himself drawn to pull it out. Sitting crossed legged on his bed, keyboard in lap, his fingers tapping the keys softly, he was falling with the music in a way he couldn’t describe. He stayed up all night that way, just pressing the keys, unable to stop the notes that spilled out of him. Sunrise came through the window and suddenly there was a new purpose in his chest, a new breath he could never explain. Clutching that first journal in hand, he rushed to pour out every word he’d been holding in. 

 

* * * 

Tyler decided to go to a local college, while saving up money in the meantime. At first his parents were a bit confused by the decision, but supported him nonetheless; he was trying his best, and that was only what they knew about. Playing his music was the only thing that really mattered to him anyways. He wasn’t sure he’d call it “music” just yet, but it was something.

 

The nights he was surrounded by his own thoughts, he’d pull out the journal his best friend gave him, and begin writing all his thoughts. At first, they started out as letters to Josh. How much he missed him, how much he wanted to talk to him, how much he felt he was crazy for holding on to a ghost, his college decisions, how much Jenna made him smile, and everything in between. 

 

Suddenly, the words began to rhyme here and there, and with a background of the piano, he could almost call it music. At least, it felt like what music should feel like. It was cathartic to him, each night screaming how much he hurt and ached and couldn’t breathe when he started thinking so deep. He was scared and lonely and his world felt like it was spinning all the time, except, that is, for when he was playing his music. 

 

Along the road, a few of his new friends joined in as word picked up around town. It was nothing official at first, playing small coffeehouses in town or parties for mutual friends. That is, until a producer was at one of those coffeehouses. It wasn’t anything big, but he left Tyler a business card, something about how he “liked the passion he sang with.” So, Tyler rushed home with his “band” members and they decided to go for it. 

 

In a whirlwind, the next few weeks were hectic and chaotic and oh so unbelievable. They were in the process of being signed, it was their first official show, and everyone was there. Jenna had taken off from work, his parents, and even Josh’s family. Tyler couldn’t breathe again; he was going to be screaming his heart and soul, sharing all the words he’d kept hidden for so long. It was terrifying and exhilarating and he couldn’t handle it, what would people think? Would they listen and sing along- gosh he hoped they’d sing along. Or would they be confused and abandon him? His entire body was shaking and he could feel the tears as he prepared himself. This was it. 

 

Somehow, it had all led up to this moment, as he climbed on stage and approached the microphone. Clearing his throat, unsure of how to process the blinding lights and deafening roars of the crowd that had actually come out to see them, albeit not many, but enough to make Tyler anxious, he allowed himself to focus on his words. 

 

“Hey, everyone. So, uh, I wanted to say thanks. For coming out to hear our music; I’m not really sure where I’d be today without it and all the people that’ve helped me.” He nodded at the front row of family and friends, and cast a warm glance to his band members who were positioned at their instruments. Continuing, “Before we really get started, I want to dedicate this show to a very special friend. He’s the one that inspired this entire album, which I’ve now decided to title Regional at Best,” and with a bittersweet smile as the memories came flooding to his mind, Tyler let out what he’d been holding in, “He couldn’t be here tonight, but I know he’s listening. This one is for you, buddy. Always.” 

 

And with that, the applause began once again as he approached his keyboard and poured out every emotion he had in him. By the end of the night, Tyler had definitely cried on stage. He had reached the final song and he was both out of breath and completely energized; it was all too surreal. 

 

The last song was perhaps Tyler’s favorite; he enjoyed the irony in ending a show with the word, “Hello.”

 

The clapping did not end, even as he went behind stage to his “dressing room” and calmed himself down. His phone was buzzing like crazy, from Jenna and his parents and siblings and random numbers even sending him compliments. Did any of that actually happen? He found himself wondering out loud in the empty space.

 

Rather than respond, he shut his phone off and allowed the venue to close up, taking all the time he could to gather himself. There was no use trying to process tonight, it just wasn’t going to happen. He suddenly felt very exhausted, and in need of a shower. Climbing into his car, he smiled the biggest he had in what felt like months. Maybe there  _ was  _ a purpose to all of this. 

 

As Tyler drove home, way beyond exhausted, he lost control of the wheel as his eyelids began to grow heavier, driving right through the red light ahead of him. Barely conscious, he didn’t know there was a semi truck on the road approaching him, until he heard his name screamed from somewhere near him, “ _ TYLER!” _ . 

 

Jerking away, he pulled the wheel as hard as he could into the shoulder, missing the truck by an inch and bursting into tears as the truck honked their horn. He was shaking and crying and couldn’t breathe; a full on panic attack was setting in as he fumbled to dial for Jenna. She rushed right over, practically going 80 m.p.h. on every road, finally pulling up right besides him.

 

After she had managed to calm him down enough to drive back home, she told him to follow her back to his place. His family was asleep when they got there and he was still a bit shaken up as she got him to lay down in bed, making sure to tuck him securely beneath a pile of blankets. 

 

“It’s okay, Ty, you’ve had a long day. Try to focus on your breathing. You’re here now, you’re okay, and you must be exhausted. Please try to get some rest. Okay? I’ll be on the couch right over there if you need anything,” she said as she made her way over to the couch because no matter how much he insisted, she wasn’t going anywhere. 

 

“But Jenna, I  _ swear  _ I heard someone call my name. It was like they were right next to me, like they were watching out for me.”

 

“Ty,” she said from her spot beneath the blankets, “I’m so glad you’re here, I really am, but there was no one else there when I got there. You were alone. It was probably just the screech of the tires or something.”

  
“I just, I swear, maybe… Thank you.” he trailed off. He knew it was hard to believe. But he knew who it was, who he heard. No one could convince him otherwise.


	4. 4

The next morning, Tyler woke up earlier than he expected. Strangely, he felt a wash of calm fall over him as the light poured in. Jenna was still passed out on the couch, one hand hanging over the side, and her face smushed against the makeshift pillow of a rolled up sweatshirt. He took it as the opportunity to slip away for a bit. He left her a quick note, after adjusting her blankets, in case she woke up while he was gone since he decided to leave his phone at home. He grabbed his journal, tossing it into his bag, and hopped in his car. He was a bit hesitant as turned the keys and revved up the engine, still a bit shaken after last night’s incident, but he had to do this. 

 

He could practically drive this path with his eyes closed if he had to. The sunrise was breathtaking, the colors blending in his rearview mirror, making him even more eager to get to the cemetery. Finally, he arrived. Shutting off the engine, he grabbed his journal from the seat besides him and walked up the slightly worn away path. Sitting down on the grass right next to the headstone, beneath the shade of the oak tree above him, he opened his journal to the last page he had written on as he cleared his throat. 

  
_ “ _ _Hey Josh,”_ he began. _“It’s been awhile since I’ve felt okay, and I wanted to share that with you."_

 

_"I_ _wanted to say thank you.”_


	5. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fin

_ There’d always be people that think Tyler has been holding on too long, that wouldn’t understand why he still let this memory affect him. That he needs to move on, live his life, and stop holding on to a “ghost.” But Josh didn’t haunt Tyler anymore; he was still there, just- differently.  _

  
_ Tyler felt him most when he was alone, on those cold nights, staring out his window and dreaming of outer space.  _ _ He always remembered Josh the most in moments like that, maybe because they bonded over the stars all those years ago. _


End file.
